First Rule of Fantasy Football is You Don't Talk About Fantasy Football.

I lie on the couch, and crane my head towards the television.  I plan to be here for the next seven hours doing exactly this.  If I were any less hungover, I'd be very excited for the day ahead.

It's Sunday.

There is football all day long and I'm going to relax.  Take it easy, put your feet up.   Enjoy the games.   Everything is perfect and then my stomach growls.
I don't feel like making any food so I reheat the lasagna I made a few nights ago.  It's been frozen but after a quick trip through a 500 degree oven and numerous repeated motions, the lasagna is in my stomach and I feel prepared for the taxing day ahead.

Almost immediately, my fantasy football team start losing.  This is usually what happens.  It happened last weekend too.   My opponent is starting Arian Foster, a breakout fantasy star and I fully expect that he will score at least two touchdowns against me.  Inevitably, players break out of their slumps when I play against them.  I'm confident in my losing ability.

Halfway through the first set of games my computer tells me that I am in a 40 point deficit.  Arian Foster has one touchdown already and is looking to break out of his slump.  At least I called it.  I am a fucking oracle.

Meanwhile, my players have forgotten how to play football. Two have fumbled, two haven't caught
anything yet and one has apparently broken his back in a dangerous play. Par for the course.

I taunt my opposing team's players.

Only one touchdown so far, Arian?  You can do better than that, buddy.  Keep those legs churning downfield and find that end zone one more time for daddy.  You motherfucker.
 
There is no sound from the television, only my expectant breaths and the click click click of my mouse hitting the "refresh" button.

I'm a sore loser.  

Oh, there you go, yep, another touchdown, I knew you could do it! I had faith that you'd play out of your mind and single-handedly beat my team.  Awesome.

I am down 99 to 29 and a loss for this week is all but guaranteed. This will adversely affect my fantasy football standings and my future opponents will think my team is weak and expect an easy when they play against me.

Maybe they're right.

I am excited for next week's games and a relaxing Sunday.