I have the unfortunate habit of scheduling my flights early
in the morning. I’m not a morning
person. Waking up is terrible. My body says, “I am tired,” and I obey. In
college I took a running class at 830 because I thought it would be a good way
to start the day. It was awful. I used to be certain there was nothing worse
than running but I was wrong – running early
in the morning is the worst possible thing a human could do. You’ve just come
from the most comfortable place imaginable and you’re suddenly in the most
distressing one. It’s the equivalent of plunging a hot glass into frigid water.
My flight to Newark is at 930AM tomorrow morning. From there
my companions and I will trek to the city for a day of exploration, food, and
most likely, napping.
I trust no one. That’s why I will not ask anyone if my
portfolio is “good.” At some point, either you know it or you don’t. Which is
why I’m particularly scared.
I started taking acting classes because I went to plays and
I thought to myself, “I can do that.” And then I went to the movies and I
thought the same thing. So in my junior year I took acting classes and ended up
staying an extra year to major in it. In my [second] senior year I was
considering moving to Los Angeles and I needed to know if I “had it” or not. It
was a hard question to ask and I’m sure an even harder one for my professor to
answer. She said I did. She said I had “it.”
So I moved to LA and promptly spent six years failing at acting
and life.
Either she was being very nice (because I put her in a tough
position) or I didn’t follow through. I think it’s a little of one and a lot of
another.
I’m no longer confident in my portfolio. I’ve looked at it
too long. Everything has blurred together like a long smear. Monday’s review is
going to be like a mystery pill – after you swallow it you have to wait thirty
minutes to see if shit starts moving.
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