This is a ridiculous blog. There, I said it.

In my past life I’m relatively sure I was a wealthy land-owning knight.  Or a wizard.

I have a fascination with all things armor.  It’s really a shame people don’t wear 200 pound metal plating all over their bodies nowadays.  Other than setting off metal detectors, it would really come in handy.  There are just so many practical applications for full plate armor.

Deflecting arrows.

Looking sweet.

Reflecting sunlight in such a way to blind your opponents.  Unless they’re wearing sunglasses.

Sinking in bodies of water.

And...that’s pretty much it.

There’s an entire website devoted to things named Lance.  I googled “Famous people named Lance” because I was going to make a joke about armor being “Lance (Bass)” proof.  I’m glad I didn’t, it would have been terrible.  It did, however, lead me to the worst website on the invisi-verse. Http://www.1st-name.com/male/lance.  Take this blurb from the part of the site dedicated to books written by and about Lances:

Few people know exactly how lance Armstrong became such an amazing force in cycling. Now, in Lance, John Wilcockson draws on dozens of interviews with those who know Armstrong best, to trace his remarkable life, both on and off the bike.Family members—including his adoptive father, speaking publicly for the first time—recall Armstrong’s humble origins, the father he barely knew, and his single mom’s struggle for survival. His childhood friends and early mentors recall how he also excelled at other sports, including swimming, running, and triathlons.

So, just to clarify, the author sucks Lance Armstrong’s lopsided dick for 200 pages.  Wow.  That is a book I would burn through.  With fire.

Has there ever been  a guy named Lance who wasn’t a homosexual or a megalomaniac?  According to this website, no. 

But there was THIS “famous” Lance:

Lance Davenport に移動‎: Lance Davenport is known for his trademark "Norweigan Death Grip.

I will never ever ever ever ever create something as badass as a Norweigen Death Grip.  It’s impossible.  Lance Davenport, you win the “most badass” Lance award.  So famous your name got translated into traditional Chinese.  That is INTENSE.

Second place goes to:

Lance Stephenson […] for his offensive ability.

Evidently this dude was a total cocksucker.  I’m sure that’s what it means.

According to http://www.1st-name.com/male/Noah, the most famous dude with my name is the guy who took a picture of himself every day for 6 years and put it on youtube.com 

I’ll be on there soon as the guy who kept setting off metal detectors with his full plate armor.

 “There was never a secure place he couldn’t get into. Also, he looked sweet.”