I could write about the NBA draft but I don’t know anything about college players except the top five or so them and there are SO many bad NBA teams it’s hard to even name their starters. I tried last night and it didn’t happen for several of them. Long gone are the days where I can name every starter on every team, and not for lack of me paying attention or caring about basketball. There’s great parity in football and baseball, to some extent, nowadays. Basketball has been moving in the opposite direction long before “The Decision” and the “Big Three” in Boston.
Last night, discussing Cleveland’s pre-draft lineup consisted of a lot of guesswork and forgetting of Baron Davis, who is utterly forgettable. It took me 10 minutes to remember J.J. Hickson’s name. We are both disappointments. They started a guy named “Boobie” for god’s sake. It gets worse. Try to name the five starters for the Bobcats. It’s hard. When they finally drafted Kemba Walker I assumed that they were replacing a veteran (awful) point guard like Brevin Knight. False. Instead, I remembered that the pretty decent D.J. Augustin will now have a mate in the backcourt. Statistically, D.J. was actually good at 14 and 6 with less than 2 TOs a game. That’s one out of five of the starters. And it gets more difficult because of the Cap’n Jack trade. Who in the world is on that team?! D.J. and Kemba…and wait for it…JOEL PRYZBILLA! The Vanilla Gorilla! I completely forgot that he left Portland in the Gerald Wallace trade. Am I alone here?
I admit I don’t follow European basketball. If you do, you need a hobby. I accidentally read an article about the 7 footer (or nearly – seems like everybody was 6’11”) from Lithuania, Jonas Valalskajslajl or whatever the hell his last name is who was drafted by Toronto. I like the Raptors. I like dinosaurs. So by default, the Raptors are cool. I also like basketball players that look like dinosaurs but that’s another blog entirely. Speaking of, I need to update my All-Cute and All-Dino teams, I sense a spot for Kemba. Anyway, I’m actually excited about the Raptors next season. They’re going to be awful, of course, but now they have TWO seven footish foreign guys! How exciting! Bargnani is a badass and should have been an all-star last year if not for the last two years. And they can both hit the three! The rest of the team is garbage, and next year Jose Calderon may tie Rondo for the highest assist to point ratio in the league. The difference is, of course, is that Rondo purposely scores 6 pts a game, whereas Calderon can’t score in double digits despite his usual 50%ish from the field. And DeMar DeRozan will continue his role as the most one dimensional player in the league. How can you NOT be excited by this team?
I can’t wait for a team to field a starting five of all foreign players. That’s all I have to say about that.
What are the odds that Jimmer is better on the Bucks than Michael Redd? And I mean Broken Michael Redd. Is he alive? Where is he? What hospital is he in?
I look forward to watching Jimmer play basketball against men twice his size. He’s going to get knocked down. A lot. Though, I said the same thing about crazy Tyler Hansbrough and he turned out to be crazy enough to make a mark. Jimmer? Not crazy enough. Hansbrough is “serial killer” crazy. Jimmer is “weird Mormon crazy.” I have no idea if he’s Mormon. His name is Jimmer. No white guy has any business having a name like Jimmer. “Jimmer” is a name reserved for Mormons, Ron Artest, and perverse sexual positions.
I remember when J.J. Redick was drafted, I not so silently rooted against him and hoped he would fail in the NBA. He did. Until recently when he became a decent, smart role player. And the damndest thing happened: I started rooted for him. I foresee the same for Jimmer. I’ll laugh every time he arrogantly throws up a 30-footer with a hand twice-his-size in his face and then cheer when they go in. I recommend he write up another Crayola contract promising to “work really hard” and “be the best NBA player ever.” If he’s not Mormon, nobody is.
Baaaaah! Good post. Now, back to eating grass.
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